It Has Been A While…

My last post was a little over a year ago. I was not in a great place, in all aspects of my life, but things are better now, I’m glad to report.

I am working again, (in a field I had never considered), and am enjoying immensely! The not only employed but in a field, a company and a role that gives me he fog that had veiled my mind has lifted and things are sunny again, and I have a renewed self-belief and self-confidence.

Actually… “renewed” is probably the wrong word, as I am probably at the highest level of confidence in myself and my abilities, in the workplace, that I have ever been at, and as I have more to learn about the industry I am now part of and the role in which I find myself, I can only grow, professionally and personally.

My personal perspectives have changed some and mostly I haven’t felt the need to “push” a particular ideology. Right now that ideology is anarchy, and by that I mean the freedom and liberty from “leaders”, bureaucracies and layers of government, so that we may all live our own lives, as we see fit, so long as we do not interfere with the right of others to do the same. I also feel that more people are waking up to this kind of way of thinking, as well as becoming more spiritual. I do recognize, though, that it is a painfully slow process of evolution, and one that seems to have more steps backwards than forwards, to get to this point of existence for humanity, but I believe will will get there sometime in the future, (likely long after this physical body has become ancient dust).

I am going to try to get back to blogging and tweeting, but it will be without any regularity and with this more enlightened, (for want of a better word), point of perspective…

Liberty the Loser

Democracy is great, unless its your team is on the wrong side of the results. For those of us independents, or invested in a “3rd party”, (Libertarian, Green, etc.), we feel like Democrats do today – and Republicans did this time two years ago – every election.

In America we vote not only on our various traditional political positions, (President, State Governor, State Treasurer, etc.), but also on positions like City Commissioner, School Board, Common Pleas Judge and Dog Catcher, (okay, that last one is a lie, just for some levity!). We also get to vote on “Issues”, which tend to be either to change/repeal a law, make a change to the State Constitution or for local levies/taxes, which all-in-all is a little like being asked to choose between being stabbed or bludgeoned.

Liberty, of course, is always the loser.

Growing Up. Changing Attitude.

Sitting on the porch, sipping coffee, contemplating life and realizing I am slowly learning life’s lessons, but they are very expensive ones that leave me indebted in ways I never thought imaginable and to which I can only strive to repay.

Some of the problem is the transition between being a man of limited thoughts and ideologies to one of free thoughts, ideas and actions. The Christianity I absorbed by osmosis growing up and the Wicca I dabbled in in my 20s both have a theme in common with the idea of a life of unrestricted freedom: as long as you are not hurting others with your actions, go ahead and do what you want. It’s an idea I’ve always adhered to but it seems to get harder and harder to live up to it.

Despite this mature outlook to life it feels like only now, at 40+, as certain aspects of my life feel out of my control or out of synch with the way I want to live my life, am I growing up! Isn’t that meant to happen, magically, at 18 or 21? Life just hasn’t been that idealized image for me of a school-college-job-marriage-kids-promotion-big house and car-… progression and I realize now that somewhere in my subconscious this has bothered me and greatly influenced the situation I find myself in, (how could it not, right?).

Only once in my life have I jumped into a situation without fear and procrastination, (which on reflection, are very similar), and I gained so much from that, but I’ve let the good I gained become tainted with my old ways, which have only amplified the way things are.

Last night my wife and I were talking about it and we realized that in a lot of life’s situations, people have a tendency to “bury their head in the sand”, until suddenly, the problem they’ve been avoiding becomes real. We live reactive lives rather than proactive lives.

From here, the mentality I’m aiming to achieve and maintain is one of seeing and planning and doing, not of dreaming and hoping and waiting. Only I can rectify the things I see as detrimental in my behavior and outlook. As much as others in my life may want to help, it is only up to me to do it. And only me.

I know An Old Lady Who Sat Idly By

There was an old lady who sat idly by.
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s agist to ask her why!

There was an old lady who ignored pleas for help,
The emails and phone calls and memoranda for help;
She ignored the pleas and sat idly by;
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s sexist to ask her why!

There was an old lady who helped blame a YouTube video;
How absurd to blame a YouTube video!.
She blamed the video to cover ignoring the pleas;
She ignored the pleas and sat idly by;
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s agist to ask her why!

There was an old lady who stood by coffins;
Fancy that to stand by coffins!
She stood by the coffins and blamed a video;
She blamed the video to cover ignoring the pleas;
She ignored the pleas and sat idly by;
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s sexist to ask her why!

There was an old lady called to the Senate;
To testify in front of the Senate?
She was called to the Senate beause she stood by coffins;
She stood by the coffins and blamed a video;
She blamed the video to cover ignoring the pleas;
She ignored the pleas and sat idly by;
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s agist to ask her why!

There was an old lady who had a fall and a clot.
A coincidental time to find a clot.
They found the clot, just before she was due at the Senate;
She was called to the Senate beause she stood by coffins;
She stood by the coffins and blamed a video;
She blamed the video to cover ignoring the pleas;
She ignored the pleas and sat idly by;
I don’t know why she sat idly by – It’s sexist to ask her why!

For one political party this is “par for the course”…
She’s likely their next POTUS Candidate, of course!

Just Not Happenening…

I finished my last entry with the line

I think it is time I looked over them all, pick one and take the plunge, finally listen to the decades old advice of my family and start regaining that self-worth I’ve been missing for so long…

Come on, its easy, right…

1. Pick an idea.
2. Open up a Kickstarter or Indiegogo page to raise $$$.
3. Sell product(s) on Etsy, etc.
4. Make some money.

Like I said. Easy.

Except during part 2., a panic attack sets in immediately on opening the websites in a tab. And I get a similar reaction during job applications, as the idea that I’d get called for an interview terrifies me so much, just thinking about it as I’m writing this is causing me to feel short of breath and tight of chest.